Summary of an HBR article The Work Alibi: When It's Harder to Go Home by Fernando Bartolomé
Although most executives’ private lives are not in terrible
shape, there are some unresolved personal problems, which their devotion to
work prevents them from attending to and it produces a feeling of guilt,
indicating that they are at least partly responsible for these situations
through neglect. There are three main cases when work is to blame for issues in
private lives:
·
Negative
emotional spillover resulting from a stressful work situation
·
Workaholism:
escapism in work through overinvolvement
·
Being a “prisoner
of success”: fallen in love with the job and the rewards it brings
Even though most executives do not confess and state
differently, the time that they have available for private life is roughly
equal to, if not greater than, the time they devote to work. Thus, it is not
the lack of time to blame. The author identifies four factors that hurt private
lives:
·
Incorrect
assumptions. Most common incorrect assumption is that family life is easy.
However, most people neither have full awareness of the problems that can arise
in a marriage nor the skills necessary to establish an intimate relationship
that is intended to be exclusive and last a lifetime. Hence, we need to learn
them over time in a persistent way, which takes energy, commitment, and the
gradual development of necessary skills.
·
Fear of confronting conflicts in marriage. While most people who
have problems in personal relationships will state that they avoid difficult
conversations because of fear of being rejected or focusing on the potential
negative consequences rather than analyzing the possible benefits, the real
fear comes from the fact that people don’t know how to go about conflict
situations with their loved ones. The reasoning many people use when trying to
decide whether to explore difficult issues openly often looks like this:
·
Legitimate
distractions. Work and children are dangerous distractions from dealing
with marital issues because they are such legitimate, right, and perfect
excuses.
·
A
“mañana” attitude. We cannot recover the relationship that we did not have
(with our children, parents, etc.) and the experience a person misses today
cannot be had tomorrow. People, who forfeit the present, risk the quality of
their future private lives.
Even though it is not easy
changing habits of thought and behavior, there are potential solutions to the
above-mentioned problems:
·
Avoid
saying “mañana”. Thinking of family life as a chore makes people find
excuses to stay longer at work. Executives need to develop creative, appealing
ways of being with their families and realize that they need to enjoy their
private lives. However, there is a caveat that they need to be cautious and
take a step at a time: closing emotional gaps too quickly might scare others
off, even though they are your closest family.
·
Deal with
conflicts. Both must believe in the idea that the marriage can be improved
and determining what works and what does not in their relationship is the first
step. Emphasizing the positive will create an atmosphere of warmth and trust,
and in addition to that people need to learn two fundamental skills of dealing with
conflict:
§
Continuous dialogue (not ad-hoc venting of
accumulated emotions), which involves giving both positive and negative
feedback
§
Dealing with persistent and deeper conflicts.
“Buried” (latent) conflicts will constantly reemerge in fits of reciprocal blaming,
explosion and withdrawal.
·
Become
authentic. While not all relationships can be revitalized or launched anew,
reawakening a sense of excitement and pleasure in a relationship is achievable.
It involves (1) clarity in demands from each other, (2) learning both to get
rid of excessive fears and unconscious fantasies and to be authentic, and (3)
talking. Hope and trust are basic virtues that people have to develop (E.Erikson), which are impossible without transparency between the partners.
Finally, when people are candid, communication might be painful but it is not
in itself difficult.
It is never too late to begin, and the opportunity costs
might be much higher (remember “mañana”!). To start with, it is important to
abandon two incorrect assumptions: (1) having a good private life is easy or
that people can easily acquire the necessary skills, and (2) personal
relationships are too complex and difficult to handle, and therefore you should
not even try. Then, you need to set clear and specific goals, which would talk
to these questions:
-
What do I want my marital relationship to be?
-
What do I want my relationship with my
child(ren) be?
-
What are my self-development goals?
Further, select one or two improvement projects at home
(redecoration, family trip, improving relations with a family member, etc.),
which must be modest (not revolutionary), measurable, pleasurable and must
involve at least one other person. Results are more important than speed, hence
improve “small” things first.
Finally, suspend your skepticism: small changes can make a
significant difference!