New Employment Rules

I have been through a number of corporate policies at various companies. some of them are scarily similar to the ones below...

New Employment Rules   SICKDAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.   MATERNITY LEAVE Kort Kort pregnant is banned. You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval you’ll then be allowed to do pregnancy. It will only be allowed once in 10yrs and you only get 1 month maternity leave. No male shall get leave related to her wife’s pregnancy, sickness or even death (he is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker).   SURGERY Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.   HOLIDAYS Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.   BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.   ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.   TOILET USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.   LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.   DRESS CODE It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.  Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice day Human Resources PS – please charge the time spent reading this email to ANNUAL LEAVE.